I have two main reasons for writing this: 1) many of my friends have no idea what's going on with me, 2) I have no idea what's going on with me and this is my attempt to get it out a bit.
The lowdown:
I began working at the Century 14 Downtown in ABQ in October. This guy James worked w/ me and I really liked him. Me liking him was strange because I'm really not the type of person to show any interest in most other guys since I've been with Donald. The extent to which I liked James was strange... It was validated; He's very charming, sweet, funny, fun, smart. He would always help me at work, and he'd even wait up to an hour after work just to walk me to my car. People at work all knew we liked each other. We'd constantly be asked when we were going to start dating and stuff like that. Well, many events led up to him finding out that I liked him, and him telling me, "I really like you. I've been single 7 months and I've meant for it to be that way. I just haven't really been interested in anyone. Honestly, you're the only person I'd consider dating... But I know you have an awesome boyfriend, and I respect that. I won't pursue you... But I'm not going to stop hitting on you unless you ask me to." I didn't ask him to stop.
A few weeks after this incident, James and I hung out outside of work for the first time. We got off about 1AM. I stayed hanging out with him until 8:30AM. It was one of the best nights of my life. The next night we hung out again after work, but only until like 4:30AM. That night was indescribable, but I'll do my best. Be warned: this sounds really corny. We sat in his car and he played me two songs he said reminded him of me... Two VERY cute songs. We listened to other stuff. He told me that to him a kiss was all about that feeling of connection, and specifically about experiencing breath together. Basically, we stared into each others' eyes and moved closer and closer... But we never touched lips. He had me feel how fast his heart was pounding. It's so hard to describe, but it was orgasmic (I'm not exaggerating). The tensity of feelings built-up between us, along with the inability to actually kiss led to this amazing feeling I'll never forget. It was at this point that I began to really evaluate my relationship with Donald. Some of you know the changes I've made to be with Donald. I basically stopped all partying, I rarely drank, I rarely hung out with friends (that was because either Don was jealous that I had liked them in the past, or because taking Don to hang with them was akward and depressing, as he just sat and got grumpy). I have a horrible habit of repressing things. So for about 2 years now I'd learned to just let go of some things and live with the changes. I wouldn't allow myself to think about how sad it made me to lose those things. Hanging w/ James and feeling so strongly for him had me re-evaluate my willingness to make those changes. So... I told James I was going to break-up with Donald. I began hinting that to Donald, but told him I needed more time to think. March 1st was when I began hinting. March 7th was when I did it. I cried, Don cried; it was surreal. Between March 1st and 7th, james and I kissed for the first time. I believe it was March 6th that we had sex. March 10th I told James I'd be his girlfriend (initially the plan was that I'd be single for awhile, but we both sucked at that). A week or so after I broke-up w/ don we talked on the phone. he wanted to know more about what was going on. I didn't know all the answers. I still dont know many of them. All I really knew and still do is that I made a mistake, something I DO regret, but a mistake without a solution. I dont know myself. I dont understand who I've become and why I've made these decisions. [I should note here that I've seen a therapist twice in the last month... This is my first time I've seen a therapist since junior high, and the first time I've even considered it. ] Don has asked why I didnt tell him I was upset about these things. He's said he would have tried to change for me. he was saving for an engagement band (i pretty much knew that). I really did want to marry him.
Well, so here I am. don has moved everything out of the apt. I'm living on my own, although James stays here nearly every night. James is 19. He told me only a ccouple days into our relationship that he loved me. I said it back. I still don't mean it. There are many issues with James, but that's for another time. Mostly, I should just say that I allowed myself to create James into this facade of perfection. I ignored the very few flaws I knew of his, and didn't know of the many other ones I am learning far too fast because of spending way too much time with someone so early on. I hope to build more on this at a later time.
My therapist said that I need to either tell Don I cheated on him, or I should not talk to Don for ahwile. Every time Don and I talked we said we still loved each other and maybe would get back together someday (don said soon and I said it would be a LONG time from now if it happened). If he knew I'd cheated on him, it'd be different. I was selfish in telling him i still love him and that there was a possibliity someday we'd get back together. in very recent days I've told Donald we need to not talk at all for awhile. I told him we probably never will get back together and that it's best if we both move on. he knows i'm in a relationship, and knows many of the details. he doesnt know how early this relationship started. he thinks it was approx. march 22nd that it began (that's when i put in a relationship on myspace).
Many people die without ever experiencing real love, the kind of love that makes you okay with growing old together and okay with working through differences, no matter what they are; Some people never experience it out of fear/lack of trust; others because no one would give them a chance; and some purely because they were just never that lucky (blessed is a better word).
I've experienced that love... Once. Once to that extent, at least... And now I've lost it. Lost is also the wrong word here, because "lost" implies that I played no role in it. I guess I'd be better off saying I destroyed it. But at least I was lucky enough to have experienced that for some time. I agree that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I certainly deserved this loss. I've done it to myself, by cheating on Don. By allowing myself to be selfish and nonchalant. He's gone and I'll never have him back. I'll never have him back because 1) He wouldnt be with me if he knew I cheated on him and 2)I'm too selfish and scared of hurting him to tell him I cheated on him (and I will NOT be in a relationship with someone who doesn't know I cheated on them).
I hope he can make someone else as happy as I was, and I hope they can remain faithful to him. I truly mean it that he deserves that.
Now me: I may or may not ever find the love I had with don with someone else. I'm beginning to be ok with that. Things could be worse. I know this is what I deserve. Consequences are for the best of humanity. I hope forever that Don knows how much I love and care for him. I'll never stop loving him. I will, however, try to start a life without him as my love. I'm alive, relatively healthy, young, and blessed in many ways. Life goes on and I hope in some way I can help other people learn from my experience. Don't repress... If you have issues in a relationship, talk them out; True love will work together to find common-ground. And IF you feel a relationship is over... Let it completely end before you do anything else. I know this all seems obvious, but it seemed obvious to me... Yet it still happened. Just if you find yourself in a situation like this, think about how shitty you'll feel: like me. I hate life... My life. Who I've become. I'm incapable of making the right decisions and I've lost most drive in things I cared about. I hope this all works out someday...so that I can be at least neutral or slightly happy again. At the same time, I'm glad this wasn't easy for me. don't feel sorry for me...
